This says it all

I saw them standing there pretending to be just friends, when all the time in the world could not pry them apart.

Brian Andreas

Bring Me To Life

-Evanescence

Here is a strange one for you. The day of your post on 6/24, I was riding my bike around the lake. Yes, THAT lake. I had the strangest urge to go to that hill with the tree. I didn't. I knew there was no way you would be there. I was right. Maybe I should have checked my blog. Could that have been what I was being pulled toward?

I have been traveling a lot for business. Have not been to your city. Made it to the big city about 300 miles S-SW of you twice this spring though.

I hope all is well with you and yours. Love always.

I am flying in next weekend to see my mom. I haven't been there since 2007.

Happy Birthday to my sweet paradox.

I started writing a comment over two weeks ago about the places in these pictures and still having all our poems. Then it occurred to me. This is still communication you said we could not have. It is just a different form than e-mail. I would like to have you as a friend on facebook but questions might be asked that I could not explain. I did a search and saw the picture on your page. One word. WOW! Even though the lighting made your blue eyes look brown, you are more beautiful than ever. The years have treated you well. You will have my love always

I visited this blog, one that I never knew existed, and was flooded with memories and sorrow over love lost. That you visited my home while I was pregnant with my 3rd most amazing child, Chloe was a shocking, but relieving revelation. Knowing someone cares and will always care for me is a sense of security that stands the test of time.

I know you had so many questions, unanswered. Why didn't I contact you when I was alone, desperate, hurting. When my marriage was over. But just as you struggled with the decision to make contact, I ultimately came to a decision that my comfort was not worth tearing up your life. As I grew in my faith I became resolved to let the past be that. The last time I was in your city was as a single mother visiting my brother shortly before my divorce. I looked out over the horizon from his home, that used to me mine, and I knew you were out there. And that was all I needed.

I opened my heart to you, more than I have anyone before or since. Your initial belief about white flag was right and only as you blindly searched for answers did you come to the wrong conclusion.

Even if you do not post a response to this, we will always have a bond through the beautiful words we shared. I wish I would have saved the poems I wrote. A story to be told for sure, but lost.

It has been more than 10 months since I wrote here about closure. That part of my life is closed, but who am I kidding. I will never forget you. How could I? Why would I? During those years you became as much a part of my life... and now my past, as anyone else I have ever loved. It is my own fault that I pushed you away from a friendship. My only solace is maybe that made it easier for you to put me and your memories of us behind you.

The questions of "what if" and "why" may never be answered. But I know it was all one scenario of the butterfly effect I would not want erased.

Would it make a difference if I told you that no one could possibly ever love anyone as much as I love you?

-Evan Treborn (Ashton Kutcher) - The Butterfly Effect

No, those words didn't make a difference in the movie... and they didn't make a difference for us. Our time together was destined to be an unerased chapter in our journals. Memorable, but relegated to the pages of time nonetheless. If either of us could read from those pages and go back to change what happened, neither of us would. We had our chances and choices. We created our memories. We live our lives apart. But still I remember... always.

I doubt if you have ever even looked at this page, but I have been thinking about you more than usual lately. I was fishing around on google to see what you have been up to. Someone in your house recently landed a nice job with a press release and color picture. I found your domain and the associated freelance business. On another freelance site I even stumbled upon a black & white photo of your mother! I see quite a resemblance in facial features. I found some of her writing at a poetry website too.

I will always wonder if I did the right thing pushing you away from being "just friends." But there are many things I will always wonder about. I wrote the following poem in March of '06 after I had a dream about you and sorta forgot about it. It isn't indicative of the closure I spoke of in December, but how could I ever get over you... and those sexy eyes of blue?

Forbidden

I am Eve
You are the apple of my eye
I still welcome a fall from grace
Should I land in your oceans of blue

Floating for an eternity
Awaiting the rescue of your hand
Undulating with the waves at times
Cold and lonely without your touch

A few bites have left me famished
Longing for a taste of years gone by
But my fruit has landed oceans away
Forbidden for eternity

- tallenuf65

Two of us were in your area this week. If you look at what is in the SW corner of your local shopping mall (just north of where you work), you will know why we were there. Being so close to where you live, my curiosity got the best of me, so I drove by your new house today (I was in a rental with plates from a third state). It looked like you had someone (in-laws?) in town from my home state.

Afterward, I got a strange feeling that was hard to describe. The best I can come up with is closure. Somehow, actually seeing your house and the life it represents brought me closure. You have your life, many miles away and there is no place in it for me. Deep inside I knew this, but the curiosity still remained.

It has been about 6 months since our last goodbye. I still think about you, but without any contact the inspirations are fewer and farther between. I know all you needed was a friend, but this is what came to mind (or heart) today.

Your Kiss

Of days gone by and times we shared I'll always reminisce
My heart is warmed forever by the memory of your kiss

A soft caress of silken breasts or touch below your waist
Were complemental to the sweetest kisses I could taste

The bliss I felt inside you with your body next to mine
Was heightened by intoxication from your lips of wine

Those treasured moments passed us by and left us far apart
But rest assured your tender kiss will never leave my heart

- tallenuf65

Never Before

Never before has a woman connected with my soul in such a way
Sharing with me an unknown world without rhyme or reason

Hours and days were a measure between our last meeting and our next
Now they have joined with years as a measure of an eternity without you

Never before has a woman stirred and confused my emotions
Taking me on a roller coaster ride through the depths of our souls

We found hope in a friendship while building a loving bond of trust
Only to see them all taken away by the haunting winds of change

Never before has a woman left my heart unbroken... but empty
With nothing to search for but what has already been found... and lost

Never again could I find a woman to share the connection I felt with you
Nor would I want to try and find such a woman... ever again

- tallenuf65

I Can

I can hear the distant thunder
I can smell the morning rain
I can feel your loving presence through the darkness and the pain

I can see the bolts of lightning
As they race across the sky
Flashing light into the darkness my subconcious can't deny

I can touch the falling raindrops
I can see them in my mind
I can taste their wetness on these lips your kiss will never find

I can see a world of darkness
In these vast and empty skies
But they cannot hide the love I saw beneath your bright blue eyes

- tallenuf65

I watched Cast Away last night (for the first time) and I was amazed at the ending. Reminded me of us. The part where she runs out to the car and tells him she loves him, that he is the love of her life. He replies "I love you too, more than you will ever know." Then he reads her thoughts... "But you have to go home."

He is left at the crossroads, both literally and figuratively. As if by fate, an attactive woman, the one he just dropped off the package for, is put right in front of him. There is a woman available to take the place of his lost love... but does he pursue her... for she is not the same as the woman he loves and lost.

You know I will always remember your birthday

...And everything I can't remember
As f*cked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and f*cked things up again...

...And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste...

...And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

-Staind

I'm sorry. Sorry I can't be the friend you want. Sorry for all the trouble I have caused in your life, everything I took from you and your family.

Cast Aside

Open up your treasure chest and place my love inside
Lock it up with all the lifelong secrets you still hide

Cast aside the key with all your memories and guilt
Scorn them lest they tear apart the loving home you've built

- tallenuf65

Can miles truly separate us from friends? If we want to be with someone we love, aren't we already there?

-Richard Bach

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.

-Richard Bach

And it's like, every time I turn around
I fall in love and find my heart face down and
Where it lands is where it should
This time it's like
The two of us should probably start to fight
Coz something's gotta go wrong
Coz I'm feeling way to dam good, oh
Feelin' way too dam good

- Nickelback

Not sure why my old page disappeared. Maybe they don't like the password protection thingy, maybe it was inactive too long. I have no idea how long it has been gone. I don't know if you will even look at this one.
You have mentioned the song White Flag more than once. I have listened to it many times, contemplating what the lyrics mean to you. I finally realized what I was misunderstanding about your intent and what this song says for you about us.

"I'm in love, and always will be"
-Dido

I used to think this meant you would always be in love with me, but would hide it away and never surrender to it. Either my eternal hope or just plain refusal to accept reality led me to believe that. After all that has happened, I realize it is him you will always be in love with. That is the real reason there will be no White Flag, thus no surrender. Either way there can be no surrender, but I have cleared up the misunderstanding on my part.

The last place we made love... three times...
...the beginning of the end

A romantic rendezvous that no longer exists...
...something special happened here, a first for you

An uninhibited afternoon making love in the sun... three times

The first time we made love

A passionate October surprise

A yellow blanket on a cool, rainy day

We cooled our feet on a hot summer day

A quiet place where we explored our limits

Our first kiss... caught you by surprise

We shared our first of many lunch hours here

The first place we met and talked in person